I don't usually post very personal blogs here but I feel I need to just let you know why the blog and general communication through my social media sites have been quieter than usual over this year - particularly in the last few months. I know this kind of post can be triggering for some people, so be aware I'll be talking about death and dementia. If that's not something you want to read, do move on. I get it.
Some of you will have met my parents. They used to come along to the Fairfield Halls Witchfest International gigs and I introduced them to the audience each time as Mum and Dad the Bard. They loved it there, being with you all. Dad died on his birthday a couple of years ago. Mum took it badly, and she was already showing signs of forgetfulness even as Dad approached his final few months. Dad was worried about Mum and I reassured him that I would have her back and she would be looked after. After Dad died Mum stayed with us for a while, and then returned to her home, living there for over a year. But then she had a fall, and her memory was getting worse, so I arranged a Dementia test that revealed that things were progressing. There were other physical problems and the carers who were coming in to get her dressed and bring her Meals on Wheels couldn't really cope anymore. So in April this year she moved into a care home I found only 10 minutes walk from my house.
She's been much happier there, having people around her, and also having good nurses on hand. That left the difficult task of clearing their house to pay for the care home fees. Which I've been doing over the past few weeks.
The house clearing has been intensely emotional. Going through the physical pieces of the lives of two of the most wonderful people who walked this Earth. Seeing what remained. Having to make incredibly difficult choices about what I wanted to keep, and what I simply couldn't. It brought up deep questions about life, what it was all about, my own mortality, the future, the past, physical remains of childhood memories that I had to let go of, just to keep the memories themselves. I know so many of you will have gone through this stage of life. It's tough. I know it's a part of the Journey of our lives, but that doesn't make it any easier.
It was Mum's birthday last Friday. I brought two cakes - one for me and Mum, another bigger one for the other residents and the staff - a card, some candles, and flowers, and took them over to her. When I arrived at the care home they had already got a cake big enough for all of the residents, there were balloons, bunting, and a man with a keyboard was singing all of their old favourite songs. I joined in too. It was lovely. But at one point Mum turned to me and asked me who I was. I'd been dreading that moment. After a little while she remembered, but it happened. Damnit. Dementia is so cruel! Watching the person who gave you life slowly disappear. That moment knocked me for six. There have been other difficult questions like asking where Dad is, and am I there to take her home. There are moments of clarity when her smile is as bright as ever, but over the past few weeks, I've noticed her energy waning. She's tired. I know she's ready to go. She tells me so.
"I want to be with your Dad."
I know you do Mum.
I know you do.
So my friends, there it is. That is why I haven't been very active here or on my socials. Music is still an anchor for me, so my House Concerts and live shows are such a joy - but sometimes even then keeping my energy up has been a challenge. My Path has taken me into previously unexplored areas of the Forest and these new meetings have brought strength to me, and a deeper understanding of What It All Means. What is important, and what isn't. My energy is being pointed in other areas as I flow through this part of life. When these times arrive I know it can make some people question their Path. For me, it has been the steady ground beneath my feet, the arms that have held me. I've always expressed my feelings in song, and I know that there are songs here too. But right now I need to think about Mum, Dad, their lives together, and to be with her in this part of her Journey before she joins him on their next adventure.
In peace and love xxx
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